Do Over

Wishing we could do things over is such a common fantasy. Getting to relive your life, make things right, taking a chance or just getting to experience something perfect one more time.

Mistake after mistake, after mistake.

 

Lately, I’ve been seriously wondering whether a Do-Over would resolve the problems in my marriage to my late wife. Would being placed back into what are only memories now fix anything? Was our life together doomed no matter what? Would something else have reared its head to tear us apart in the same way or worse?

I think about how super annoying she could be at times. She kept moving my stuff and after she cleaned up, I wouldn’t be able to find my things for two weeks. How no space at home was just mine? Even the little corner of the bathroom shelf would be commandeered.

There were bigger problems too and I worry that during the time I’ve spent single now, I have lost my appetite for being patient. Eleven months on my own and the rule of thumb is “My way or the Highway.” Not having to take shit from anyone is fucking awesome, but that’s a big part of relationships. The working ones at least.

 

Can I brush off the little things the way I used to?

 

You can bet your ass the things I’d demand from a relationship are different now. I’ve changed a lot and that included coming to know myself better. Those changes have a very real impact on what I would be like should she and I somehow have another shot at a life together.

 

While I would love nothing more than to get the chance to be a better husband, there’s no conclusive way to say that we would stay together.

 

Our dynamic was a broken thing. It was volatile, unpredictable and in tatters. We’d be over so many times just to wake up in each other’s arms. We’d seemingly reached the end of the road over and over, but were so tangled that even when we lived apart we still hungered for each other.

That may have been because we didn’t know any better. All we had in the world was the mangled love we’d concocted and it bound us.

 

How often is the image of your Do-Over set in reality or do we paint a perfect picture based on what we’d like to see happen? Are we cognisant of what it would take to achieve that and seeing as how many of these what-if’s include someone else, how sure can you be that the singular effort on your part will be enough to change the past or the present depending on your situation?

 

I’m not a romantic, far from perfect. I’m hardly ever certain whether what I’m doing is right or wrong at the best of times. I’m the best at making mistakes, but if I had the means to bring her back, I would. I’m selfish enough to try again even where there is an almost complete absence of proof that it would work out this time.

 

That being said, where we are deficient in every other area, it is my belief that a chance will exist for every one of us if there is also a deficiency in reason….or you might call it love.