The very first gift I gave my late wife was a stuffed panda wearing a red bow-tie. I remember where I saw it on the shop shelf, the sound it made as I took it out of the bag it was stuffed in as if crammed into a plastic sock and how much I paid.
It was valentines day 1996 and we were both just 13yrs old.
This was a ginormagantuan step for me seeing as she and I never really spoke. There was no reason for her to expect anything from me. All my ignorant ass knew was that I liked this girl. I’d spend the decade that followed faithfully crushing on her and the one that followed involved in what is probably one of the most manic, volatile and fiery relationships in human history. Proper fucked up.
She and I were something else. If I could wish her back we’d probably argue, before we even said hello. Nobody pushed my buttons the way she did.
We were weird that way. I remember seeing her when we were separated for the first time. We hated each other’s guts, but here I stood almost unable to contain how much I wanted her. I’ve never been electrocuted, but what I felt for her can’t be far off. There was never a time that we were not attracted to each other. Even after our epic screaming matches, we’d be nestled beside one another.
I don’t know if there’s a name for that. I tell people we were tangled because each of us had a very warped view of what love is.
The sun doesn’t burn that hot.
The first time our son was hospitalised I was giving our details at reception or whatever it’s called while Luke was being seen to. They gave us a selection of backpacks to choose from and she immediately picked the panda one. Think he was 2yrs old. She’d remember.
Whether that was the moment he fell in love with them or not doesn’t matter, but he’s so hung up on any panda image, toy or movie now. It’s also one of the few words he says.
Lu’ loves Kung-fu Panda so much he pauses the movies so he can kiss the TV. When we’re out shopping and he spots a panda related item I need to buy it or there’s hell to pay. So far we’re up to his 8th stuffed panda and still hasn’t tired of them.
Just a bottomless well of panda love.
It was never our intention to brainwash him. One of those things that just happened.
During the difficult period that followed his mother’s death, I spent so much time furious with her. It was like she was still here. I threw out so many of her things and talked to her and myself as I did so. I wanted no part of her to remain. No way for her memory to hurt me. Oh, how my sweet revenge has come back to bite me in the ass. How stupid can you be?
It’ll be 2yrs since she passed away come August.
I’ve still got the keys to her office, her rings, diary and a few weeks ago while putting out old clothes for collection I found her black top.
The one with the panda print…..
…next to the kids, the most precious thing in existence is the first thing I had given her all those years ago and a theme that has echoed through our life together and now our life apart.
I miss you cara mia.
“I’m afraid that losing you has killed me. And I cannot die again to be with you.”
A Guy with Kids 