Day Zero

So the city I live in is hard fucked in terms of water supply. We have this looming Day Zero where the water to homes and businesses will be shut off.

 

Bad right?

And while I’m as terrified if not more so than fellow Capetonians, there’s another startling realisation that I made, which has me even less thrilled about the water-less life that lies ahead.

 

Being single means I go out on dates. Dating means I meet members of the opposite sex and in doing so the barn door is wide open as far as the potential for physical intimacy.

Now while I don’t advocate a loose-caboose lifestyle, we can’t ignore that good dates…and sometimes even bad ones end in sex. And this is great news on its own until you factor in things like 90-second showers.

 

You’d have to be completely out of your tree to want to sleep with a person who’s showered for less time than it takes me to brush my teeth under normal conditions. I’m not out here calling anyone gross, but if you’re gonna have sex with strangers, you at least want a minty fresh one….a cool breeze stranger.

Just when i thought dating was daunting enough, i have shit like this in the back of my mind where it’s not just the amount of water that drops to zero, but the amount of sex i have too.

I shouldn’t be having a Which one is Really Worse moment….but i am. Without water, i will die, im not an idiot. Without sex….im gonna wish i was dead.

 

Picturing those scenarios makes it worse. Like does showering for less than 2min allows you to give those critical areas the attention they need? You know which ones.

 

We all have those places we like to ensure are squeaky clean. 70% of my regular shower time is spent on my twig and berries and my tushy. If you’re anything like me you really like to get in there to make sure that sucker is clean as can be.

 

Just think how bad the walk of shame is gonna be now when you’re having to do it with the stank still firmly clinging to your behind. I might have a good time with someone, but not so good that I’d sacrifice precious water for them. You’re on your own, Baby.

There’s gonna be a lot of sorry not sorry going around when that starts happening.

You guys who eat ass are gonna be hardest hit. The foreplay will be reduced to couples airing out their genitals after a long day….just to take the edge off.

Do you shower for your side piece or your girlfriend? Both are out of the question. You can’t mask that smell. Women will want to know why your dick smells like oranges all of a sudden. Use baby powder like a normal person.

Married couples have it easy. They’ve been putting up with each other’s disgusting habits too long to care. Me on the other hand, I don’t want to be grossed out during sex, because she ran out of water halfway through her shower or was too liberal in the less important areas.

Getting suspicious of your dates BO, because she insists that you meet her outside.

What a time to be alive.

For the super impulsive such as myself, it makes life exceedingly hard. I tend to get right into it when there’s chemistry and the mood is right. No second thoughts.

 

For now though, get it while it’s still good and when things get worse in terms of the drought ‘Just the Tip’ will go from a joke i make to a prerequisite before sex to check for freshness.